Harvest Part 2

Nicole looked like sunshine was radiating from within her when she collected her handshake and her diploma this past weekend.  My two older children were there and smiling and beautiful and kind.  I know I am lucky.  It was the end of a long chapter that began when I read A Separate Peace in 8th grade. I dreamt of attending this school (I did not). It was the the school where I saw Dominique dazzle her audience as a comedian in many plays and I saw Nicole play soccer, cycle, run, and teach people that they really don't understand anything about racism.  My son Cameron and I were united in the fact that we were the only ones in the family who did not attend this school, but we found our place there nonetheless.    I'm not sure that I will be back there again. 

All of a sudden my family is setting out in different directions: my son is working at Mass General in Boston this summer, my eldest at a law firm in NY, and my youngest at an environmental non-profit in Colorado.  Everyone is going their separate ways. 

As I wonder where this new road will take me, I feel lucky for all the places that I've been and for all of the people my children will meet on their respective paths.  I'm trying to summon the courage to get a buzz cut so that when my hair falls out the baldness will be even.  The new shades of hair gloss that greeted me in Walgreens this afternoon made me pause and laugh in a strange and confused way. 

Harvest part 2 was in a bed (not a chair) which was thrilling.  I was given a sleep mask and I fell into a deep sleep, lulled by the sound of my own stem cells being harvested.  At one point, it felt like a subway was rumbling underneath my bed.  I felt a little electric.  This happened because the anti coagulant leached calcium from my body and caused a trembling sensation.  They gave me two calcium drips and I was fine.  

Today's harvest was less productive than the last one.  Today we collected 1.98 m cells, bringing the total to 7.56 m.  Still far short of the 10 m goal.  

I read about the prognosis of Myeloma patients with t(4,14) today, which I should not have done.  I advise that you not read prognosis information.  If you are lucky enough to have low of standard risk multiple myeloma, heave a sigh of relief.  The new myeloma treatments have not yet been able to modify the progression of high risk MM. 

Thank you for not saying "cancer is almost a chronic disease these days."   Enormous progress has been made treating cancer, but that does not affect everyone evenly.  My children warn, 'never compare your own suffering to someone else's.'  Suffering can never be compared. We really don't know what anyone else is going through.   I have a friend who experienced the deep and relentless havoc that cancer can wreak on one's life and family.  He dispenses love and warmth and kindness and understanding in an extraordinary way, each day.  He actually knows what progress has been made in many different types of cancer care, far more than anyone else I know, but he never tries to tell me about my situation.  

As I was leaving the cancer center today, feeling a little low,  I saw a beautiful child sitting on his young mother's lap in the waiting room.  He could not have been much older than 18 months.  I smiled at him and he smiled back.  We waved at each other and smiled more.  His beautiful eyes looked hollow.  He was clearly the patient.  

No matter how difficult each day might feel, there is always someone who is struggling more than we are.  Give love and kindness to everyone you see today, it makes such a difference. 

Thank you to those who have called and emailed and texted and sent flowers and pictures of flowers and cards and words of inspiration.  Thank you for taking walks with me, for cooking and shopping for me, making me lunch and dropping off my favorite sugar free biscotti.  I am grateful for you every minute of every day. 

Going in for my transplant next Wednesday, June 15.  Do not expect to be writing for a while thereafter.  Hope to be back home by the end of July. 

All comments and questions appreciated, ellecee103@gmail.com.

PS June 8 - collected 1.71 m cells today, bringing the total to just shy of 9.3 million. The doctor has decided to stop at this point.


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