That Sinking Feeling

I feel very lucky that depression has never held a place in my life.  I have spent most of my life feeling fortunate for the joy I have experienced being a mom, a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a student. a professional. 

Yesterday, June 29 2022, my head was shaved to prepare for the inevitable baldness that will characterize the rest of 2022.   I am unrecognizable.  I see this poor sad person that stares at me from the other side of the mirror.  I feel sorry for her and want to hug her, but I don't want to be her. 

Cancer wreaks havoc on the body,  but what it does to the soul is far more cruel and destructive.  It takes away every part of you that is familiar, that is recognizable, that is light, that is free.  All of a sudden it drops you in a lonely, dark prison, leaving you to wonder if you will ever make it out alive.   I look at people walking near me on the sidewalk and wonder if they have an idea how lucky they are to be healthy.  To be able to eat, drink and experience anything they want without limits. 

I feel like I have fallen off of the side of a boat and I am falling, falling falling down deep into a noiseless blue.   I wish that I had enjoyed being Laurie a little more when I was her.  My only wish is to someday be her again.  It does not feel sure that that will ever happen. 

Enjoy this and every day of your free and healthy life.   Give love generously and take pictures and send yourself notes of wonderful things that happen in your day.   Life truly is short.  Treasure all that is around  you, as you never know when it may be stolen away. 

Sending love and wishes of good health.   Thank you for being here.



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