Living with Multiple Myeloma

I feel very lucky that depression has never held a place in my life.  I have spent most of my life feeling fortunate for the joy I have experienced being a mom, a friend, a wife, a sister, a daughter, a student. a professional.  Yesterday, June 29 2022, my head was shaved to prepare for the inevitable baldness that will characterize the rest of 2022.   I am unrecognizable.  I see this poor sad person that stares at me from the other side of the mirror.  I feel sorry for her and want to hug her, but I don't want to be her.  Cancer wreaks havoc on the body,  but what it does to the soul is far more cruel and destructive.  It takes away every part of you that is familiar, that is recognizable, that is light, that is free.  All of a sudden it drops you in a lonely, dark prison, leaving you to wonder if you will ever make it out alive.   I look at people walking near me on the sidewalk and wonder if they have an idea how lucky they are to be ...

I have been weak in recent days so I have not written but I learned a lot that I am excited to pass along.   On Day 0, June 17, I received 3.19 million stem cells into my body.  The stem cells were infused approximately 24 hours after I received an enormous does of Melphalan, which is the chemo that will virtually eliminate my immune system.  While I was receiving the Melphalan infusion, I ate ice chips.  I ate them for one half hour before and one half hour after after the infusion to avoid suffering from mouth and throat sores.   Mucous membranes have many more cell turnover than other parts of the body, therefore those surfaces are destroyed more radically by chemo, the doctors explained.  Day 1-8 the chemo was affecting my body, but with a list of anti nausea meds, I managed to eat 3 meals a day (one or two more than I usually eat) and I walked about one hour each day.  On day 8 I started having terrible pain in my legs as if I had had a build up i...

For most of 2022, the only significance of June 17th was that it was triple witching day.  A friend told me that triple witching is now quadruple witching, but since 2022, when single stock futures were delisted, quadruple witching reverted to triple witching.   Triple witching is the quarterly third Friday where exchange traded stock index futures, stock market index options and stock options all expire.  It is often the funnest day of the quarter in which option traders trade last minute volatility (called gamma) and there are many interesting positions to be had.  I'm sad I will miss it today.  Surprisingly sad.  Options have been a constant part of my life since I taught myself how to understand them in 1987 at Merrill Lynch on the trading floor that most of Wall Street had expected to collapse, physically, due to the weight of the machines on the floor,  Thankfully it never collapsed.   Now June 17 is the day in which I am...

This is what the woman pushing my wheelchair announced when I came back from my CT scan tonight.  I am '30' because I am in room 830.  I will be 30 for the next two weeks.   Today is Day -2 before the actual stem cell transplant (which will be Day 0).  I was supposed to get an enormous does of Melphalan to eradicate my immune system tonight.   I have not yet been cleared for this yet, as my doctor is still waiting for test results to show that I have no viruses.  I was wisked away to radiology for CT scans of my sinuses and chest. This is an extra step to ensure that everything is clear before the Melphalan is administered. I'm hoping to awaken to the purr of the chemo dripping into my catheter.  The nurses, doctors, PAs, admins and techs in this hospital are delightful, kind, clean and thorough.  I had a delicious dinner off of a menu that I ordered myself.  Tofu, vegetables and rice.    At bedtime I was greeted with a small plasti...

Nicole looked like sunshine was radiating from within her when she collected her handshake and her diploma this past weekend.  My two older children were there and smiling and beautiful and kind.  I know I am lucky.  It was the end of a long chapter that began when I read A Separate Peace in 8th grade. I dreamt of attending this school (I did not). It was the the school where I saw Dominique dazzle her audience as a comedian in many plays and I saw Nicole play soccer, cycle, run, and teach people that they really don't understand anything about racism.  My son Cameron and I were united in the fact that we were the only ones in the family who did not attend this school, but we found our place there nonetheless.    I'm not sure that I will be back there again.  All of a sudden my family is setting out in different directions: my son is working at Mass General in Boston this summer, my eldest at a law firm in NY, and my youngest at an environmental non-pr...